


In the Shadow of Whispers

by HyperKid



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Fjord trauma, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Jester trauma, sprinkling of Yasha trauma, the saddest cuddle pile
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-13
Updated: 2020-03-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:01:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23124400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HyperKid/pseuds/HyperKid
Summary: In the darkness above a yawning chasm of whispers, it’s not hard to slip away. Jester doesn’t like bothering her friends with her problems.Her friends don’t give a shit.
Relationships: Background PolyNein
Comments: 8
Kudos: 84





	In the Shadow of Whispers

**Author's Note:**

> HK: So I didn’t actually know that it was a CR birthday today, but happy 5 years of Critical Role! Have some pain about it!   
> Mollymauk: I don’t think I want you celebrating birthdays anymore.   
> HK: Hey, I do great presents! And cake!   
> Mollymauk: I will require a mountain of cake after this!   
> HK: I’m not gonna say no. 
> 
> WARNINGS!! Discussion of trauma and traumatic events and one (1) extremely sad blue girl. The whole Nein need therapy. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I still own nothing and no one, but that’s okay!

None of the Nein spoke above a whisper while they readied themselves for the night over the gorge filled with sounds of the dead. They were too focused in their own thoughts, in everything they’d done to get this far and in everything that might await them. 

It wasn’t hard for Jester to slip away. 

Not far. She couldn’t go far. Not beyond where she could see her friends, see that they were all okay, alive, with her. 

Normally she’d have dropped herself right in the middle, tucked one up to each side, told stories and laughed and sang until the shivers went away. But she couldn’t hide in noise here, not where the dead awaited every voice. It felt almost perfectly calculated to trap her. 

Even the lights felt far away, not carrying the warmth a fire would across her skin. 

She couldn’t hide in noise, so she hid in darkness. Pressed back against the wall, as far from the damn gorge as she could get, she curled herself into a ball and flicked her hood up over her head. 

They couldn’t take her if they couldn’t find her. Couldn’t drag her back, clap chains on her wrists, bring her back to that hellish dungeon to listen to Yasha scream. She wrapped her arms around her knees, tail curling tight around her ankles and did her best to sink back into the wall behind her. 

It had been so long since she’d run so low on magic. If they had kept going... if there had been more monsters in this room... suddenly her hands shaking and she dug her nails into her palms, biting down on her lip to keep from screaming. It spread up her arms, her shoulders, into her ears and her head and all she wanted to do was run away. 

Become an eagle again, and fly, fly far far away where no one could ever find her. 

And be alone? 

Tears spilled down her cheeks without her noticing and she buried her face in her knees, doing her best to keep quiet. To avoid setting off the whispers again, though she doubted she’d hear them over the screaming in her head. 

For a moment she thought the hand on her shoulder was the Traveler, but it was too warm. Too big, too heavy, too real. 

“Jester?” It wasn’t his voice either, not even in a whisper, and then there was a soft sigh and the soft sound of someone sitting beside her. She tried to unclench, but couldn’t stop shaking enough to try and move her fingers. 

Strong arms slid under her knees and around her shoulders and then she was lifted, still curled, to sit in his lap. She felt leather armour against her cheek and immediately burrowed her face into it, doing her best to stifle a sob. 

Fjord. 

Of course he would be the one to find her. He and Yasha would know best how much she wanted to hide. 

He didn’t take her hood down, but stroked her hair over it, holding her close against him until most of the trembling stopped. When she managed to look up, he gave her a soft smile. 

“You okay?” He whispered. Immediately she shook her head and buried her face in his armour once more. 

The half orc made a face, glancing across at the few orbs of light around the rest of the group. He wasn’t sure he could carry her on his own, and certainly not quietly enough for their current situation. 

“Do you wanna go back to the others?” He asked quietly, twisting to try and get a look at her face. The tiefling tensed in his arms, paralyzed with a moment of indecision. Even her voice shook a little as she answered. 

“I... don’t want to bother them...” More than anything, she’d have liked to be around a fire with them all. Somewhere she could dance, and sing, and make them all laugh. Where she could toss herself into Caleb’s lap for a cuddle, across Yasha’s shoulders, and cuddle up together for the night. 

Not somewhere they had to talk about tying themselves together so no one walked off a cliff and died. 

And she didn’t know if she could talk without screaming. 

Fjord cupped her cheek gently, guiding her face up to meet his eyes. 

“Hey. You’re not a bother. Come back and have something to eat, and then we’ll get Caduceus to cuddle you up in his big damn blanket arms to sleep.” 

Even in a whisper, the thought of Caduceus’ blanket arms made her giggle, and she immediately clapped her hands across her mouth to stifle it. Fjord sighed, glanced over, and waved sharply for Yasha’s attention. 

It took him a little while to catch it, but eventually Beau glanced up, noticed, and gave the barbarian woman a nudge. Fjord, whose gesticulations had by then devolved into pantomime purely for the sake of Jester’s muffled giggles, sighed dramatically and slumped back. 

“Serve her right if I’d yelled,” he muttered, shifting a little. The immediate hurt, shocked look Jester gave him made him grimace and he shook his head. “I didn’t, did I?” 

It didn’t take long for Yasha to join them, frowning quizzically at their positioning. When she was close enough to whisper, she hunched down. 

“Are you guys okay? It’s not exactly a good place for a quickie.” 

Jester muffled a broken little giggle in Fjord’s chest and his hand rose automatically to her hair again. 

“Jess is feeling a little delicate right now. Can you help me carry her back over to everyone for some tlc?” 

The barbarian’s brows drew down in a deep frown and she leaned over, lifting Jester from Fjord’s lap as if she weighed no more than a kitten. 

“Do you want to talk about it, Jester?” She asked softly. For a moment, Fjord wasn’t sure she was going to let him go, but then she burrowed her face into Yasha’s hair and curled around her instead. 

It gave him space to get up and follow, mouthing “no idea” in reply to Yasha’s confused frown. Most of the Nein had looked over by now, concern on every face as they drew closer to the group. 

Every face but Caleb’s, but just as they returned to the circle the bubble blossomed around them and Caleb looked up, startled to find Jester in Yasha’s arms. 

“Are we being attacked again?” He hissed, hands flying to different pockets for his components. Caduceus’ staff was already glowing, in a healing spell or a restoration, not knowing which was needed. 

Yasha shook her head quickly, going to the furthest edge of the bubble from the gorge and sitting, settling the tiefling into her lap. 

“I don’t know what’s wrong,” she whispered as the rest crowded around, all worried. 

Jester squirmed uncomfortably, hiding her face in Yasha’s shoulder. This was just exactly what she hadn’t wanted, everyone staring at her and wondering why she was upset. She didn’t want to think about why she was upset. She didn’t want to talk about it. She just... she didn’t know what she wanted. 

Caduceus was watching her too, those piercing pink eyes scanning her posture. Catching Caleb’s eye, he stepped back a little, having to crane his neck forward with the curve of the dome. The wizard hurried over, his brows furrowed in a slight frown. Caduceus kept his voice low. 

“Is it possible miss Jester’s upset because that last room was quite like the place where we found her?” 

For a moment Caleb was confused. Then the colour blanched from his face and his hands tightened to fists. Unable to help himself, his gaze flicked to Fjord and Yasha, both sat holding their shaky cleric. 

“It could be... but... the others don’t look so bad, and they were there too...?” It was almost not a question, not sure where the thought was going as it tapered off. Caduceus made a thoughtful noise, half shrugging. 

“Oh, I don’t know about that. People show stress in different ways, and we’ve all been under a lot of stress on this job. Miss Yasha especially, she’s been on edge since the fight in Rosohna.” 

“And they might also be repressing,” Caleb mused with a bitter familiarity. Jester always wore so much of her heart on her sleeve. Fjord especially was always a lot more... guarded. Even if he was reliving difficult memories, he would never show it. 

Whereas Yasha would likely just go quiet, not so different from her usual state, Fjord was more likely to push too hard in the opposite direction. He’d be more boisterous, more aggressive. 

That he was so quiet in this cave was probably even more of a reason to worry, when put like that. 

Caduceus smiled softly, patting him on the shoulder. 

“It also might be that there’s just more on their minds and they didn’t notice. Either way, we’ll keep everyone safe.” 

Caleb nodded slowly again, making his way back towards the group. 

“Perhaps, yes. But I don’t know that tying everyone together for the night will help.” 

Brow furrowing in confusion, Caduceus opened his mouth to ask why. Paused. Thought about the words again. Remembered chains and manacles and wrists and ankles rubbed raw. 

“Ah. Yeah. The buddy system for those on watch instead?” 

They had closed enough of the distance now for their whispers to be heard by the others, Nott turning and frowning up at them as they approached. 

“The buddy system?” 

Caduceus nodded, dropping to a crouch at the edge of the circle. 

“For everyone taking watch tonight. Don’t want anyone wandering off.” 

The goblin’s mouth opened in a small round ‘o’ and she nodded, scowling over at the pit. 

Yasha hadn’t so much as glanced up, hand moving slowly up and down Jester’s back as the tiefling shivered in her lap. 

“Are you ready to come out now?” She asked softly, smoothing down the short capelet. Jester shook her head firmly, her face still buried deeply in the barbarian woman’s shoulder. From one side, Beau made a soft, worried sound, shifting closer and away again a few times. 

She didn’t know what to do, how to help, and it hurt. 

It hurt all of them to see one another in pain, in distress, and knowing there was nothing they could do. But only Jester wore her heart on her sleeve, her pain on her face for all to see. 

Yasha made a soft, thoughtful sound, her hands falling to rest on the tiefling’s hips. 

“You know, if you come out a bit I can braid up your hair like mine. You can stay in my lap, and Nott can put some flowers in to keep you safe.” 

The goblin girl nodded immediately, scooting closer to rest a hand on Jester’s boot. 

“I still have some from doing Caleb’s hair, I can do yours too.” 

Raising her head just enough for her eyes to peek out, Jester frowned up at Yasha. She didn’t look sure, not exactly ready to face the world, but... it was tempting. And Nott had done her flowers for her before, and that seemed to work. 

If nothing else, it was something to distract herself with. 

Slowly, hesitantly, she nodded, uncurling enough that she could sit up in Yasha’s lap and turn away. 

“Okay.” It was barely more than a whisper, her voice still choked off. Nott moved in immediately, coming to sit at Yasha’s side where she could help as the barbarian’s hands moved to Jester’s hair. 

A soft smile on his face, Caduceus sat carefully in front of Yasha, reaching out to take one of Jester’s hands. The tiefling clutched at him with both immediately, breath hitching as she held it. Caduceus didn’t hesitate, covering both her hands easily in one of his and brushing a furred thumb across blue skin. 

“There, there now. You’re okay. We’ve got you.” He glanced around at the rest of the Nein, one pink brow rising. Beau was still visibly uncomfortable, torn between the desire to comfort and being terrified to make it worse. 

Fjord took a seat beside Caduceus, reaching out to add his hands to the pile. And if it meant he got a little comfort for himself, that could only be a good thing. 

Caleb settled on the firbolg’s other side, beside Nott, and let his fingers stroke gently along Jester’s tail where it coiled tightly around her ankles. He’d never seen her hold it so still before... nor tensed so tight. At the periphery, Beau shuffled uncomfortably a moment longer. 

“I can be on watch?” She offered in a whisper, not sure what to do. Jester let out a little squeak and Fjord gave the monk a pitying look. 

“Get your butt over here.” 

It was easier when she wasn’t given a choice. Moving almost on automatic, she came and sat next to Fjord, one hand reaching out gingerly to pat at Jester’s back. Having all of them close didn’t make any physical change at first. Jester stayed curled up tight, her face buried in her knees. 

Yasha was easily large enough to reach her hair anyway, though there wasn’t much of it to braid. She and Nott worked away anyway, settling small braids through her bouncy blue hair and winding flowers through. Caleb, Fjord and the others mostly just sat, hands pressed awkwardly to whatever body part they could reach. 

Caduceus’ thumbs kept moving, stroking small patterns across blue skin as silence fell but for the whispers of the dead. Gradually Jester’s white knuckled grip began to loosen, the set of her shoulders relaxing. 

It hurt not to be able to comfort her. To comfort all of them, really. To not be able to talk in loud voices, telling each other things would be okay and daring the darkness to argue. To be trapped at a whisper by the ever present danger in front, haunted by the horrors behind. 

Being close was about all the comfort they could manage so close to the abyss. But it was a comfort, a silent promise, a reminder that none of them were in this alone. Finally, Jester looked up, her eyes popping up from behind her knees to look at Caduceus. 

“Cuddle?” She whispered beseechingly, tugging gently at his hands. 

To his credit the firbolg cottoned on almost at once. 

“All of us?” He whispered back, and she nodded. Glancing around the rest of the group, he nodded to the wall at Yasha’s back. “‘S not a bad idea. We can all lie down and huddle up for some extra warmth.” 

“Someone will need to be on watch,” Caleb murmured, fingers stroking gently past the spade tip of Jester’s tail. It flexed to curl around the touch. 

“I can take it,” Fjord volunteered quietly and Caduceus nodded. 

“Sit back on the side and we can put a pack in your lap to use you as a pillow.” 

Not being part of the pile did not seem to be an option, and if he was honest the half orc was just as happy to stay close. If nothing else there wasn’t even half a chance he could start to wander off without waking the group with them in his lap. 

And it didn’t involve being tied up, which was decidedly a plus. 

Shifting things around to get everyone cuddled up at the back of the bubble took a fair bit of reorganizing, and Caduceus took the time to get to his pack and make sure that everyone at least had some kind of food. Pulling out blankets, spreading out the bed rolls they had, and settling Fjord and Caleb up to take watch at least covered the whispers for a while. 

Jester couldn’t eat. 

It felt like her heart had lodged itself just below her throat, plugging anything from getting in. She took bread when it was offered, turning it over in her hands as she leaned into Yasha’s chest. The barbarian hadn’t tried to make her get up; she’d just lifted the tiefling with her as she stood, standing back a little out of the way while the others moved around them. 

When things had settled, Caduceus at the back wall and curved to follow the bubble, Yasha carefully set Jester down snuggled up to his chest and pressed herself in behind as close as she could. Making a soft little noise Jester burrowed into both, arms wrapping tightly around the firbolg. The bread fell abandoned behind him and Yasha’s arms came to cover hers, wrapped around the firbolg as well. 

Being sandwiched between the two largest members of the party helped. Made it a little more complicated for the others to cuddle in, but they managed. Beau was more than happy to tuck herself behind Yasha, and Nott curled up in the tangle of legs along with Frumpkin. 

And if Yasha was a little more eager than usual... a little more ready to push herself into the middle and be the center of attention... she wouldn’t say it. But hearing her old name from a stranger’s lips, a stranger who thought he knew her was almost more unsettling than the torture chambers. 

Yasha was no stranger to pain. To the idea of punishment. In a lot of ways, the weeks after the Iron Shepherds had hurt her worse than the days of torture. 

She couldn’t accept their comfort then. Not with the hole where Molly should be engulfing her heart. Not when he was lost coming after her. But things had changed while they were at sea, and she was getting used to the idea that maybe she deserved something other than pain. 

That she could be worth more than the swing of her blade. 

And maybe she was looking for a little more worth with the spectre of her past looming large. 

Caleb made his way to sit beside Fjord, tucked in as close as he could. Not close enough to have someone’s head in his lap, not without crushing Fjord under the weight of Caduceus and Jester, but close enough to tuck one knee in under Fjord’s crossed legs. 

The half orc raised a brow at him and Caleb shrugged, resting his head on the half orc’s shoulder. 

Words were hard. 

Not just because they had a mandatory noise cap; not just because he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to assume. To make Fjord talk or think about something he might not want to. 

But fuck it, after the day they as a group had all had, odds were good he could use a little comfort. Fuck, Caleb could use a little comfort - not that this was an Acceptable Thought. 

The idea that Fjord might prefer to think of it that way drew a wry smile to his lips. He was self aware enough to know his own brain hacks and see them reflected in others. A moment later, a large arm slipped around his waist to hold him close. 

It had been a fucking awful day. The night was decidedly not gonna be better, and tomorrow might be the worst of all. Looking down at Jester buried as deep as she could get in limbs, Caleb couldn’t help wishing he could join her. 

A low rumble of whispers and groans rose and fell from the chasm and he shivered, pressing closer into Fjord. 

It was going to be a long night. 

**Author's Note:**

> HK: I’ve been quiet for a bit with some con crunching, but there should be threeeeee spectacular cosplays to show for it! All for the same con. Bad Decisions.


End file.
